Taking people for granted

I have a friend in Winnipeg who will be turning 103 at the end of October. He is the "younger" friend of my late grandparents. We have been communicating by phone or by e-mail for the last six years since he was 97. Because of his advanced age, I am diligent about keeping in touch with him. I make a point of calling him up even though I may feel too busy, and it's hard to talk to him because he can't hear well. I find the time to write notes to him. After all, he's 102! How much longer can he last? In the back of my mind, ever since I met him in 1997, I've been worrying that he might pop off. I make him a priority.

I wish that I could say the same for the rest of my friends and family. There are so many times when I don't feel up to contacting people. I have too much work. I have a headache. I'm too tired. There's always tomorrow. I have all of the time in the world. Or do I?

D'Amour Road is dedicated to an acquaintance of mine who went missing and never resurfaced alive again. We don't expect people in their forties to disappear and die. Most of us in the First World expect to live well into our seventies and eighties. But are we living lives of quality where we have ample time for reflection and relaxation?

When I was doing my undergraduate work in psychology, I remember reading a book by Alvin Toffler called Future Shock. It postulated that in the future -- i.e. now -- everything would be automated. People would have so much free time that they wouldn't know what to do with it.

HA! I don't know anyone who has free time. Most people I know are working 50-70 hours a week, raising kids or traveling as part of their job requirement. Many businesses are now open 24 hours a day. Employees used to be able to take a break on the weekends or when they were on vacation. Now we have cell phones, Palm pilots, e-mail, pagers and fax machines. People feel pressured to be available when they really should be off duty.

It's hard to take time for ourselves. Some things have become antiquated like writing thank you letters or staying in touch with elderly relatives. Not everyone can decide that they will spend more time with their kids or skipping stones across a pond because they are being held hostage by their jobs. But all of us can take a hard look at the way that we spend our time because it's a fallacy to assume that our loved ones will always be there.

Recently, I heard of two people in their forties who died suddenly without any warning. Actually, one died and the other one is currently on life support, but has been pronounced brain-dead. We never know when our number is up or when we could lose the most important people in our lives. I would like to believe that I can start treating most, if not all, of the people in my life the same way that I treat my 103-year-old friend: as precious and temporary, thus, to be treated with great love and respect at all times.

Sigrid Macdonald

50 days and counting

Not knowing is worse than knowing. The poor Holloways are being tortured, waiting for news about their missing daughter, Natalee.

Today a strand of blonde hair wrapped in duct tape was found on the beach but we don't know if it belonged to Natalee. There have been so many false leads in this case including a supposed confession and retraction and blood found on a mattress, which was later discovered to be dog's blood. If nobody talks and a body does not wash up, this case could drag on forever.

Normally, I do NOT agree with Nancy Grace. In fact, I think she is an overreacter who goes on the presumption of guilt (e.g. she jumped all over the Runaway Bride's fiance without any evidence that he'd been involved), and she's slow to say "sorry" or admit that she was wrong. [The fact that her book OBJECTION is number 424 on Amazon is shocking! Clearly, Nancy has a lot of fans who are not keen on civil rights.] But in this instance, I concur that it looks bad for Joran van der Sloot.

If he's innocent, why did he have to invent several different stories? What happened? He wanted sex, Natalee refused, and he got rough with her? He and his friends drugged her, assaulted her and disposed of her with the help of the boat guy? He did not leave her on that beach alone at 2 a.m. Not credible. Nor did she willingly disappear. No way.

I pray that we discover the truth about Natalee's disappearance soon for the sake of her poor distraught family.

Sigrid Macdonald

The civil rights of the uncivilized

Canada's most notorious female criminal, Karla Homolka, was released from prison yesterday. She granted a rare interview to the press in Quebec, trying to reassure the public that she is no longer a menace and deserves to live a life free of harassment.

For those outside of the country who have not heard of Karla, she and her husband Paul Bernardo kidnapped, sexually tortured and murdered several teenagers back in the nineties. Karla also "gave" her younger sister Tammy to Paul because Paul wanted to take Tammy's virginity. In addition, he took her life.

Fortunately, Bernardo was given a life sentence. However, Homolka led the court to believe that she was a battered woman who was under Bernardo's influence, and that she only went along with the kidnappings because she was afraid for her own safety. Right after Karla signed a sweetheart deal with the Crown, videotapes that showed Homolka's active participation in the killings surfaced. But it was too late. Karla was sentenced to 12 years in prison. She served her time and now she's out. Rumor has it that she has been corresponding with an inmate who has a history of manslaughter, and that the two of them have a romantic relationship. What reason do we have to believe that Homolka has changed?

She was an exemplary prisoner, she claims, and served as a counselor to help other women. She wants to live in Quebec because she believes that the media there presented less sensational coverage of her story, so there may be a chance for her to establish a second life.

Meanwhile, Homolka has been receiving death threats. People on the Internet have been talking about her like she is the lowest form of humanity. And she is, but the question remains: How do we treat people who have served their time? Does Homolka deserve police protection if her life is in danger? Should we care about Karla Homolka or should we turn our backs and hope that someone takes care of her the way that someone took care of Jeffrey Dahmer in the slammer?

This is a no-brainer for me. I despise what the woman did although I recognize that to some extent she was a victim of Bernardo's. (Handsome, charismatic Paul Bernardo was also the Scarborough Rapist before he graduated to murdering high school girls in St. Catherine's, Ontario. He was a tyrannical and domineering partner to Karla.) But being under his thumb does not make her any less culpable in my eyes. Kristen French, Leslie Mahaffy and Tammy Homolka would be alive today if it weren't for the sick, codependent, "I'll Do Anything to Please My Man" attitude of selfish, sociopathic Karla Homolka.

Having said that, two wrongs don't make a right. The only time vigilante justice is cool and exciting to watch is on old movies like Billy Jack and Walking Tall. In real life, we make a decision as to whether or not we are a humane and just society. If we are, then we must concede that through a legal loophole, Karla served her time. No matter how despicable her actions were, she needs police protection if her life is in danger.

Homolka is still young. She may live among us for many more decades. Harassing and persecuting her will only creates stress that may cause her to become alcoholic, drug addicted or to re-offend by becoming involved with another male criminal. She's out. Let's leave her alone.

Sigrid Macdonald

32 Days

For those of us who have been counting, it has been 32 long days since Natalee Holloway disappeared in Aruba. The 18-year-old honor student from Alabama was celebrating her high school graduation with 123 classmates and 7 supervisors. Natalee was out dancing and took off with several guys. She has not been seen since.

Because Aruba is a Dutch protectorate, it follows the laws of the Netherlands. They leave much to be desired. A person can be picked up by the police and taken into custody and held for up to 116 days without any charge being pressed against him or her. That's pretty appalling! So far, I think five or six different men have been detained including several boys who were with Natalee that night, and a high-ranking judge, who was the father of the boy that Natalee saw last.

17-year-old Joran van der Sloot has changed his version of events 8 separate times, according to Nancy Grace of CNN and Court TV. It looks like Natalee and Joran took off for the beach with two other young men. Joran is now saying that he left Natalee alone on the beach at two in the morning -- an unlikely event and not his original statement.

Joran's father, 53-year-old Paulus van der Sloot, was arrested on suspicion of complicity to commit murder and kidnapping, but he was released last week. Joran and two other men, 18-year-old Satish Kalpoe and his brother, 21-year-old Deepak Kalpoe, remain in custody. However, very little progress seems to have been made in the investigation.

My heart goes out to Natalee's family, who seem so strong and brave. They are beyond frustrated with the slow pace of the search. Dutch law also dictates that certain details of the investigation cannot be disclosed; if that were to happen, the case might be thrown out in court.

Fortunately, the Prime Minister of Aruba has called in the Marines. We hate to think of a Laci Peterson scenario but certainly, the water should be scoured for any signs of the missing 18-year-old. For up-to-date information on the Holloway case, visit the Birmingham News at http://www.al.com/birminghamnews/missing/ .

Sigrid Macdonald

When the Music's over, Turn out the Lights

I'm an audiophile. That doesn't mean that I'm an expert on the subject; it just means that I love music. It's been an integral part of my life forever and every memory that I have of a certain time period or event or person can be easily summoned by a sound clip of a particular song.

Although I enjoy all kinds of sounds from folk to jazz to hip-hop, my favorite is rock. And, I must confess that I have a bad case of arrested development in my musical tastes. I just bought tickets to see Simple Plan at the Ottawa Bluesfest. Actually, "see" may be a poor verb choice because chances are that I won't get anywhere near the band in order to see them, but I'm sure that I'll be able to hear them a mile away!

In D'Amour Road, I've attributed my musical tastes to younger people like the hot 24-year-old guy that 39-year-old Tara Richards likes or to Tara's 14-year-old son, Devon. Alain, the 24-year-old, loves Pearl Jam, Sam Roberts, Coldplay and Wheatus. Devon is a consummate rapper and a big fan of Eminem's.

I'm certain that I'm the only person who has ever mentioned Eminem in a book on total hip replacements, and I spent an ample amount of time talking about him in D'Amour Road, too. That's because I'm a feminist and I love Eminem. Sounds like an oxymoron or a contradiction, but the way that I view it is that firstly, Eminem is extremely talented. If we were to remove the lyrics from his songs, I would still love the rhythm. Of course, I would never want to remove the lyrics because that's where Marshall's real brilliance lies -- he is the most amazing rhymer that I've ever heard.

Secondly, I feel for him. Now before you get out your virtual pencil and start sending me hate mail, reminding me that Marshall Mathers is an egocentric, misogynistic homophobe, I will beat you to the punch. I know that. But what makes Eminem's rants about his wife and his mother so intriguing is that it's obvious that he was traumatized by his mother's manipulation, controlling nature, negligence and emotional abuse. Since I've been an advocate for women for years and have been active in the battle to fight sexism, domestic violence and child molestation, I had to ask myself, "Is it right for me to sympathize with women who've been abused as children but to turn my back on men who've experienced a similar plight?"

Yes, Marshall is hostile towards women but is this any different from women who have been raped or harmed and consequently fear or hate men? Unfortunately, many pedophiles and men who become rapists have been abused as children. That's another complicated issue that I address later on in D'Amour Road when I deal with the character of Ryan, the partner of the woman who goes missing. It's so easy for us to feel for men who were hurt when they were kids yet all that compassion disappears in a flash the minute they turn from victim to victimizer.

At any rate, it's been interesting to watch Marshall mature over the years. After all the screaming that he did about Kim, the wife who wronged him, he not only got back together with her but also willingly parented a child that she had fathered by another man. Marshall's rage? Fueled by pain, angst, humiliation, jealousy, deja vu back to Mommy, and the anguish that goes along with having someone you love betray you.

Recently, my 15-year-old neighbor and I were shooting the breeze on the driveway. I asked him what kind of music he liked and he said "oldies".

"Oh, you mean stuff from the 90s?" I retorted, in my usual sardonic manner.

"No! Led Zeppelin," he replied.

I led the boy down to my basement where I had about 200 old albums including five by Zeppelin, 10 by Hendrix and an original by the Sex Pistols. He and his little friend left an hour later carrying a big box of about 50 albums! I was so happy that the 15-year-old and I had found a common ground.

Music unites, exalts, provokes, and stamps an indelible mark on certain occasions. It's one of the few things in life that brings pure joy whether you prefer opera or punk. When the music's over, you can surely turn out my lights :-)

Sigrid Macdonald

Those damn reading glasses

A few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant with some friends. We were celebrating my mother's birthday and my friend's husband's birthday, which both fall on the same day. I was the only adult at the table who could not read anything on the menu. Why? Because I never remember to bring my reading glasses out with me in public!

This might be understandable if I had just required reading glasses a short while ago, but I've needed them for the last 10 years. As Al Franken says, "Denial is more than a river in Egypt!" I think vanity plays more of a role than denial, however, they are closely related. By leaving my reading glasses at home, I can somehow manage to convince myself that I am someone who does not require extra magnification, and this makes me feel younger. Of course, I don't feel young at all when I'm squinting and whispering to the person next to me, asking whether or not vegetables come with the main entree!

Some people accept the aging process and the various changes that it causes in our body graciously whereas others, like me, fight it every step of the way. Everyone else at the dinner table was wearing glasses and glasses aren't even really a sign of being old. Lots of young people need glasses. My nephew has been wearing them for years. But I hate anything that draws attention to my declining bodily functions, which is a lot like living in Canada and disliking the cold.

Declining vision is part of the territory that we pass through with each decade. I'm lucky that my eyesight is pretty good. Some people struggle with glaucoma, cataracts, diabetic retinopathy, retinitis pigmentosa and other serious eye diseases. That doesn't make me feel any younger but it does help to put my trivial embarrassments into a more mature perspective.

Sigrid Macdonald

Article about D'Amour Road in Nepean This Week

Nepean This Week
Friday June 10, 2005

Mystery simulates Baseline Road, murder of Louise Ellis by Christie Mailey

We often read about New York City and other high profile locations in the world of fiction. Alternately, we read about simple American towns and the interesting characters that reside there. But Sigrid Macdonald, author of D'Amour Road, is a resident of Nepean and she wanted to write about what she knew.

"How often do you pick up a book and read about Baseline Road?" asked Macdonald. "Reading about Ottawa is new information to readers."

In addition to Baseline, Macdonald also mentions downtown locations such as the ByTowne Theatre and Nate's Deli, and also Le Skratch Billiard Hall on Merivale Road.

D'Amour Road is Macdonald's first novel, but second book. Her first book entitled Getting Hip: Recovery from a Total Hip Replacement came out in November 2004 and has sold over 350 copies in just six short months.

"It was really great to write a novel. I loved it," said Macdonald of her transition from non-fiction to fiction.

"I found that I had to become a real observer. I had to really pay attention to things that had been in front of my nose all the time like people's accents and inflections. And how each person is different from one to the next whether it's a teenager, an elderly person, a Christian, or a fundamentalist."

D'Amour Road is the story of two female friends about to turn 40, Lisa and Tara.

Lisa goes missing and Tara is on a mission to find her. Lisa's boyfriend has a history of battery and Tara fingers him as the prime suspect.

The story is loosely based on Louise Ellis' murder, an Ottawa area writer who was murdered by her boyfriend who had previously served time for manslaughter, but Macdonald's novel and characters are completely fictional.

"I knew Louise Ellis and I was involved in the search for her. I met her murderer and had coffee with him because he was involved in the search too," said Macdonald.

"When women go missing it's not usually a happy outcome and I found it so hard not to blame Louise for picking someone with a criminal past."

Macdonald is a part of the Milgaard group against wrongful convictions and somewhat of an advocate for women.

"Women can sometimes choose unsavory characters and the subject matter of the book sends the message to be careful," said Macdonald.

Macdonald finds pieces of herself in the characters in D'Amour Road. Tara is a frumpy, straight and narrow-minded woman who has fallen for a younger man and is very insecure because of her age.

"The main character is much straighter than I am, but I dealt with her same issues of growing older," said Macdonald. "There's a panic reaction to turning 40. Before 40 it feels like there is so much left for you and after 40 is something else."

Because Macdonald's books were published so close together she has spent much of her time marketing the first book, which can be found in Chapters, Coles and online at Amazon.com.

D'Amour Road is currently available as an online download from Lulu.com."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**I would like to add that D'Amour Road is also available in print from Lulu by clicking on the icons to the right that say "Buy Now." It will be up on Amazon and Barnes & Noble in 4-6 weeks. Sigrid Mac.

Acclaimed author Dannye Williamsen calls D'Amour Road stunningly original!

"In an auspicious debut novel, D'Amour Road, Sigrid Macdonald draws the reader into the free-flowing associative thinking of Tara Roberts, whose mid-life crisis is punctuated by a desperate search for her best friend, Lisa, her life sponsor, the one to whom she turns when she trips over life. Lisa's disappearance drives Tara headlong into the complex psychological and social dilemmas that define her mid-life crisis.

With stunning originality, Macdonald thrusts readers into a non-stop ride that explores both the mundane and the soul-stirring themes that color the human landscape. In a well-conceived metaphor, Macdonald establishes D'Amour Road, the road of love, where Lisa's car is abandoned as the focal point for the search for Lisa as well as the psychological search for Tara. Beginning with doubts about everything, Tara's search ends in certainties that are rooted in love and trust in herself:­ certainties that transform the old age of her youth into the youth of her old age."

Review by Dannye Williamsen, co-author of IT'S YOUR MOVE! Transform Your Dreams from Wishful Thinking to Reality.

May and September romances

I've been watching a fascinating video series on Pierre Trudeau. As far as I'm concerned, he was Canada's most dynamic Prime Minister. Love him or hate him, you must admit that this controversial statesman was brilliant, inspired, and courageous and he had an epic vision for Canada.

He also fell in love with a woman 28 years his junior. Now, I'm not a Margaret Trudeau basher -- and while I'm on the topic, I'm not a Justin Trudeau basher either. I thought it was quite rude of the Ottawa Citizen newspaper to publish an unflattering article about Justin right after he got married -- but I know that Maggie is not held in high esteem by many Canadians.

Since I grew up in New Jersey, I didn't realize that so many Canadians were critical of poor Margaret. So she smoked pot and went a little crazy with the Rolling Stones. Let's try to put that in a cultural perspective. Moreover, Margaret was 19 years old when she met Pierre Elliott Trudeau. No wonder she couldn't adjust to the uptight, upright life of a politician's wife. I sympathize with her and I have always liked and admired her. But I digress.

My point about Pierre and Margaret is that somehow they transcended a huge age barrier. They fell in love and couldn't have cared less what other people thought about their relationship. Was it doomed to fail because of the age difference? Probably. Certainly, Pierre was criticized for his choice but just try to picture the scenario in reverse. What if Margaret had been Prime Minister and she had fallen in love with a 21-year-old university student? (ala Bill Clinton.) She would have been considered a laughing stock.

The whole business of older men and younger women reeks of sexism. Men have chosen younger mates for centuries. Just think of Jack Nicholson, Henry Fonda, Ed McMahon, Frank Sinatra, Tom Cruise, and the highly contentious relationship between Woody Allen and his step-daughter. Occasionally, we see the role reversal where someone like Demi Moore or Jerry Hall, Mick Jagger's ex-wife, is dating a younger man.

But I read a disturbing article about Jerry recently. Apparently, she's 48 years old and loves to go out with twentysomethings. But she doesn't want to bring them home to meet her four children, nor does she wish to meet their friends or have to suffer by listening to their music. She was quoted as saying that she thought that Demi's long-term relationship with Ashton Kutcher was "ridiculous" because why should anyone become "serious" about a young boy?

Jaded? You betcha! Sounds like payback time to me -- she got tired of her own Rock Star God husband cheating on her, so she decided to use younger guys as sex toys. Not very admirable as far whereas Demi's relationship with hot "You've Been Punk'd" Kutcher is sweet. At least they love each other and she treats him like a human being rather than a plaything.

In D'Amour Road, 39-year-old Tara falls for 24-year-old Alain. She's not trying to use him. She doesn't think of him as some stupid baby or trophy that she can show off to her friends. She genuinely adores him. It happens. It actually happens quite often in midlife -- think of American Beauty where the Kevin Spacey character went crazy for his daughter's friend. Was he a pervert? Nah. He was just having trouble coming to terms with his age. Instead of buying a Corvette, he lusted for the girl.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sex without love. As far as I'm concerned, they're two completely separate things. I'm not judging Jerry Hall because she doesn't love these young guys; I'm judging her for her contempt towards them.

Sigrid Macdonald

Runaway Bride

I've been procrastinating about writing anything on the Jennifer Wilbanks' case because it's so complicated. On one hand, I would never want to blame anyone who was so anxious and troubled that she ran away on the night before her wedding. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes in my life and I understand what it's like to have bad judgment or to do something really stupid.

On the other hand, what Wilbanks did was the equivalent of shouting "fire" in a crowded theater. Thousands of people went looking for her and she took up precious time, energy and money from law enforcement. Worse, her voluntary disappearance may have an adverse effect on the real disappearances of other women and children.

Last night I was listening to CNN and following the tragic story of 18-year-old Natalee Holloway, who was on vacation in Aruba with her friends when she disappeared. The newscaster asked one of the police officers if Natalee may have taken off on her own accord as Jennifer did.

I'm sure that those things happen, although I don't have access to the statistics at the moment. Not everyone who goes missing has met with foul play. But every single missing person case must be taken seriously. I think that Willbank's actions did a disservice to other people who are genuinely in trouble.

Simply disappearing is not a crime. But when Wilbanks claimed that she had been accosted, she lied to the police and that's illegal. Many people, especially women, believe that Wilbanks should not be charged or fined for her actions but I disagree. I think that the penalty that she received last week was appropriate.

It's a messy situation and by holding her responsible, it's hard to know where to draw the line with someone else. Should people who make false allegations of rape be charged? That's a tough one. IMO, if someone deliberately and maliciously makes a false claim, they should be penalized. But would that apply to the accuser in the Michael Jackson case if he was coached by his mother? Ouch! You can see why I didn't want to write about this one.

Wilbanks' case is different. She was simply trying to protect herself and her pride but her actions were negligent, irresponsible and criminal. Having said that, I feel extremely sorry for her.

Sigrid Macdonald

More reviews from my readers

"D'Amour Road is a page burner. The book holds your attention from start to finish. The writer obviously knew hospital operations inside and out and she must have done a lot of research in this area. The list of characters made sense. She has a great future in writing and I hope to read her next book."

Margaret Henderson, Edmonton

"Ravishing is one of the words that came to my mind when I finished D'Amour Road by Sigrid Macdonald. The commentary of Ottawa and its surroundings is fetching. The novel is full of humor although the story line is serious and melodramatic. The author is preeminently clever when it comes to defining human nature. Plaudit to Sigrid Macdonald."

Magnus Hardarson, Iceland

Let's Hear It for the Physiatrists

Several people have contacted me to tell me that I have misspelled the word psychiatrist in my book. Now, psychiatrists are not my favorite people. The way that I view these professionals is that they are folks that we go to see when we feel bad who inevitably make us feel worse. However, I know that there are exceptions to that rule and I would never deliberately misspell their names in order to exact revenge.

When I checked this out in my book, I realized that I had been referring to a physiatrist not a psychiatrist. A physiatrist is a specialist in physical medicine. Since my main character works in a rehab unit at a large hospital, she is in touch with physiotherapists, occupational therapist and -- you guessed it -- physiatrists! But she also works with family doctors and a psychiatrist, so apparently there was some confusion about who I was referring to. I will probably go back in and clarify that info about the physiatrist so that my readers do not conclude that I am illiterate :-)

Sigrid Macdonald

Read a preview

To read a preview of D'Amour Road, visit my storefront at Lulu at
http://www.lulu.com/content/117949 and click on "Preview this book." I have posted the first six or seven pages so that you can see whether or not this book is for you.

Sigrid Mac May 28

My first book review!

This was written by Joan McEachern, a former teacher at Algonquin College and an active member of two Chapters' book clubs.

"I started this book at 9 a.m. and finished it at 7 p.m. To say that it held my interest is an understatement. The author uses a personal experience to weave a tale that is both riveting and spellbinding. The details of the Ottawa and Aylmer/Hull backscape are accurate and add in making this adventure real. I felt I was tracing the steps of the principals within the city. A valiant attempt for a first novel. Cudos to Ms. Macdonald."

The ugly American

The other day I was talking to a friend who made a disparaging remark about Americans.

Right away, I reminded her that I had grown up in New Jersey. I'm kind of a hybrid in that I was born in Canada but I left at the age of five. Because my parents are Canadian, we returned to visit every year but basically, I grew up as a Yank. I went to grad school in Toronto and have lived in Ottawa for the last 17 years, so I'd like to believe that I'm a North American and that I don't have quite as many prejudices as someone from either Canada or the United States.

It's funny. Here we are in the age of extreme political correctness. Most people would never make a negative comment about blacks, women, or gays in public. But the same people would think nothing whatsoever about bashing Americans.

I told my friend that it was pretty hard to generalize about Americans given the fact that there are 291 million of them! Moreover, since when does the government represent the people? Just because someone agrees with George Bush's policies -- and that would certainly count me out! -- doesn't make them anti-American. The people and their political leaders are two completely different things.

Only slightly more than 25% of the people actually put a President in office. That's because only 50 - 55% of the registered voters even bother to show up at the polls. Is that apathetic? Not necessarily. When the next Canadian election rolls around, I'm not going. If you're given a choice between one idiot and another idiot, that's not much of choice.

In my novel, D'Amour Road, the woman who goes missing is American. Her best friend's husband is biased against Americans. This character isn't meant to be a stereotype or to represent all Canadians. He's just one guy who believes that George Bush, aggressive American foreign policies, and tacky Hawaiian shorts reflect the American populace. He's wrong! There's also that crazy woman who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy's chili bowl :-)

Sigrid Macdonald
http://www.lulu.com/content/117949

I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member

Last week, my 18-year-old nephew went to his high school prom. My mother asked me why I didn't attend my prom, and the only reason that I could come up with was that my crowd and I were down on our school. I graduated from high school in 1970 and prided myself on being an anti-establishment kid. If a club or an event was associated with the school, I didn't want any part of it.

In my twenties, I discovered certain clubs that I did want to belong to like SDS (Students for a Democratic Society,) NOW (the National Organization for Women) and the Feminist Party of Canada, which I believe existed for about 10 minutes. I also supported the New Democratic Party in Canada and the Democratic Party in the US. I was a party person! I had become a joiner but I always tried to join groups that were in some way "against" other groups.

Now I have reverted to my original stand. The only clubs that I belong to today are innocuous and uncontroversial like Toastmasters International and Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Who can be FOR drunk driving? We'd be hard-pressed to envision a lobbying group that fought for the rights of drunks to get behind the wheel.

I used to participate in various women's collectives and women's centers, but I don't do that anymore. As much as I love other women and support most of the issues that collectives fight for, I find academic political correctness intolerable. Dissident feminist, Daphne Patai, has written extensively about the suffocating academic environment and the restrictions that many people find on campus in their Women's Studies classes. For a while, I considered myself one of the dissidents but then it seemed to me that the main purpose of groups like Women's Freedom Network was to criticize the traditional women's movement. That was never my goal, so I left the dissidents as well.

In D'Amour Road, my main character Tara is a devoted but ambivalent member of a local women's collective. The group is dedicated to eradicating sexual assault and raising public awareness about this horrific issue. Tara wholeheartedly supports the purpose of the group but she does not share their antipathy towards men. My fictional women's collective sees most issues in terms of black and white - e.g. everything is the fault of the patriarchy -- whereas Tara and I both see the world in terms of very complicated shades of gray.

There's a great sense of comfort and camaraderie in being a part of the group. It can be reassuring, reaffirming, energizing and empowering. But it can also be disturbing, confusing and alienating to belong to a group if you disagree with their policies or practices. I'd like to see certain social and political groups making more of an effort to accommodate different points of view. Debate is healthy. Disagreement is normal. I have Democratic friends who won't have lunch with Republicans! That's insane. Many people can find a common ground if they look hard enough for it. Meanwhile, I'm happy to echo Groucho's old saying, when he sent a telegram to his group stating, "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to be a part of any club that will have me as a member."

Sigrid Macdonald

The woman who shot her hairdresser

A couple of weeks ago, a woman shot her hairdresser because she was unhappy with her haircut. I found out about this bizarre episode by listening to CNN's "American Morning" with Bill Hemmer and Soledad O'Brien. Bill made the serious announcement and seemed puzzled as to how this could happen. Soledad paused and said, "Well, Bill, have you ever had a bad haircut?" My sentiments exactly.

Folks, today I'm having a very bad hair day! No matter what I do with my hair, I look like Anne Heche.

In D'Amour Road, Tara develops an obsession with her hair. Her best friend, Lisa, goes missing and as the situation becomes more desperate, Tara becomes increasingly preoccupied with changing her hair. On one hand, I used this storyline to add a little levity to an otherwise dark tale. On the other hand, I wanted to portray the different types of distractions that people use to cope when they are under stress.

When my father was dying of leukemia, I changed my hair color faster than most people change their underwear. I colored my hair brown. I bleached it platinum. I made my hair dirty blonde and then added heavy highlights. I permed it until it had the consistency of a Brillo pad, and then I cut it off so that I had less hair than Donald Trump. By the time my Dad died, I was almost bald!

Playing with my locks seemed to be one of the few things in life that was under my control at the time; certainly, my father's health was not. I hope that you will find Tara's obsession to be amusing, understandable and cathartic. There's just nothing like a day when our hair looks exactly the way that we want it to be. Or at least, that's what my inner Ally McBeal tells me :-)

Sigrid Macdonald. Copyright 2005. All Rights Reserved.

http://www.lulu.com/content/117949

The Tunnel of Love

About two weeks ago, I created a post about unrequited love. Shortly afterwards, I received criticism about disclosing too much personal information about myself. Also, I got several phone calls from a young guy who said that he was the man for me! I suspect that the calls were a prank -- and they were certainly intriguing -- but I decided to pull that post. That doesn't mean that I don't want to address the topic.

In my new book, D'Amour Road, a 39-year-old nurse and mother by the name of Tara, falls in love with Alain, a 24-year-old assistant manager at the grocery store. Since Tara is not a dazzling beauty like Demi Moore, she frets about her infatuation with this man who is 15 years her junior. Much of the dynamics between Tara and Alain are based on my own relationship with a 26-year-old guy, who I will call AJ.

I wanted to add the story about Tara and Alain to illustrate that there are many types of relationships that are ill-fated. 39-year-old Lisa Campana has gone missing and the main suspect in her disappearance is her boyfriend, Ryan Whitman, who has a history of battering. At first glance, Lisa's best friend, Tara, appears to be quite together because she is married to a nice solid man. Closer scrutiny reveals that Tara is miserable in her marriage, and has developed the hots for a much younger guy.

There are many ways in which relationships are doomed to fail and all three of these interactions -- that of Tara with Alain, Tara with her husband Mark, and Lisa with Ryan -- illustrate that point. The title of the book "D'Amour Road" is also a double entendre. On one hand, it's the name of a real-life street in Alymer, Quebec, which will play a role in my story. On the other hand, the title is meant as a warning that says that the road of love can be dissatisfying or even dangerous. I've always liked the lyrics to the Springsteen song, The Tunnel of Love, which go something like this: "When the lights go out, it's just the three of us -- you, me, and all that stuff we're so scared of."

Tell us your stories about unrequited or unfulfilling love. If you've managed to break away from an abusive or unhappy relationship, pat yourself on the back, and write about it in the comment section. Use a pseudonym to protect yourself if necessary.

Sigrid Macdonald

Carolyn Gardner

This morning, I had the pleasure of being on CFRA radio with Shirley Roy on The Broad Perspective. She had an interesting panel of men and women including Carolyn Gardner, whose sister Sheryl was brutally murdered in 1981 at the tender age of 15. Ralph Power, the man who committed this unspeakable act is currently eligible for day parole. He has never shown any remorse for his crime, and his DNA will not be automatically submitted into a national bank because this was not a legal requirement at the time that he committed the act.

Sometimes the law is so damn picky! Retroactivity is a ridiculous technicality in this case. A potentially dangerous man may be released from prison. The least that the law can do to protect future victims is to take a sample of this man's DNA.

Carolyn has started a petition opposing parole for Ralph Power. Please visit her web site at http://powernoparole.ca to read about the details of her case and to support her efforts.

Many thanks.

Sigrid Macdonald
http://www.lulu.com/content/117949

Why does God allow suffering?

It is impossible to discuss adversity or grief without bringing up the concept of God. When I was doing my B.A. in Psychology, I did an honors thesis on the coping mechanisms of concentration camp survivors. I was surprised to discover that many had relied on religious faith to get them through the horror of the camps. I couldn't understand how persecuted people like Viktor Frankel could trust in a Higher Power who allowed such atrocities, let alone how Frankel was able to find meaning in a place as dismal as Auschwitz.

Some people gravitate towards prayer during difficult times whereas others lose their faith. I'm not religious. I'd like to believe but prayer for me is like dialing a phone number that rings and rings, but no one ever answers. My spiritually-inclined friends tell me that I'm looking for the wrong kind of answer. The answer that I want is an eradication of the worst kind of suffering and torture in this world -- suffering that is distributed so randomly. Of course, I will never receive that kind of answer to my pleas.

In his book, When Bad Things Happen To Good People, Rabbi Harold Kushner tackles the tough question of where is God in the midst of our pain and distress. Kushner postulates that God must be either all powerful OR all good, but He cannot be both at the same time. He cannot and does not intervene in our lives because He has given us free will. Our bodies are mortal, therefore, subject to debilitating illness and disease. One person's exercise of free will can interfere with another's. Kushner's argument makes sense to me intellectually but is of no comfort emotionally.

Kushner says that we shouldn't ask God to heal our cancer, protect our children from pedophiles, or prevent Africa from sliding off the face of the continent due to HIV infection, famine, war and other calamities. These are the wrong types of prayer. Instead, we should request qualities from God such as strength, courage and tenacity to deal with hard times. Even Jim Morrison said, "Do Not Petition the Lord with Prayer!"

Some Eastern religions and New Age groups believe that the right type of prayer is to simply give thanks for all of the good things in our lives, and to learn to accept the more challenging ones.

The way I see God or a Higher Power is as a neutral force. I believe that there was a creation, and hence a Creator, but I view the Creator as neither benevolent nor malevolent. If the Creator made all things, then it made everything -- the good, the bad and the ugly. I find it strange that people attribute all of the goodness in the world to God, and all of the bad things to someone or something else (Satan, humanity itself, Rush Limbaugh. LOL.)

A good friend of mine is a Christian Scientist. Once she told me about a hurricane in Florida that had hit a particular area but had missed all of the Christian Scientists' homes! She thought that was amazing and wonderful, but I thought it was ridiculous and discriminating. Why would God choose to allow a fierce storm to destroy the homes of the non-Christian scientists? Why is it when parents pray at the bedside of a desperately sick child that they thank God when that child recovers? But they don't blame God if the child dies.

I don't blame God for anything. I don't think He or She exists, but I'm certainly in the minority. 90 to 95% of all of the world's people believe in some sort of power greater than themselves. I wish that I were one of them. I would especially like to believe in an afterlife -- to think that I will be reunited with my father, my good friend, Meg, who killed herself at the age of 25, my uncle and my grandparents.

Belief in the hereafter has sustained many families of murder victims. In her book Lovely Bones, Alice Seybold describes the graphic murder of young Susie Salmon, who narrates her story from Heaven. It's an interesting concept and by and large, Seybold did a good job. My Mothers Against Drunk Driving group had a spiritualist at one of their functions last year. They were widely criticized for doing so but this man brought comfort to those who had lost a loved one at the reckless hands of an inebriated driver. Who am I to judge the ways in which the injured derive solace?

What are your thoughts on God? Where is He when women and children go missing?

Sigrid Macdonald